The Cardiology Anthem

By: Brian Wells

Bump on the page
P wave!
Spike going up
QRS!

T wave, T wave,
what the hell?
There’s one too many T waves,
this ringing some bells?

I’m living the cardio life
don’t be hatin’ my style
got echos to read, patients to see
places to be, you want to feed off my tree of knowledge?

Best get in line. Want to learn regurge?
Maybe I’ll have the time for you,
I’ll sit, I’ll dish, I’ll spill
we can talk about drugs, both IV and pill.

Losartan, Zocor, Lopressor, Lotrel
Coreg, Cardizem, Cozaar works well
for your pressure, your heart, we won’t let it fail
we’ll check your history, your personal clinical tale
that guides us to your problems,
your individual needs.
Hook you up to some leads so we can get your EKG.

Congrats, it’s normal! No need to feel frail.
Now come back in two months
and until then: Feel well!

Cardio life for realz, yo.

Later, gotsta to check out that V tach. Peace!

Ode to the Heart

“Ode to the Heart” – A poem for Valentine’s Day 2010

By: Brian Wells

You’re always there for me, oh heart
Pumping all the day,
If I’d had pericardial effusion,
you might even sway.

Good health keeps you from getting stretched,
and following Frank Starling’s Law,
A kind word or phrase can affect you,
and even the coldest heart can thaw.

Though in old age you may need a boost,
to help with contractility,
You may feel happy, sad or mad,
or even show my fragility.

I could not live without you, heart
you keep me to my ideals true.
You’ve always been there for me, oh heart,
and I’ll always be there for you.

N.B. To guys reading this, this is not a good poem. Do not put this on a card to your wife, fiancée, girlfriend, etc. That would really not be a good idea. This was written over the course of 5 minutes and intended to be kinda stupid and silly. You have been warned.

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Ode to Giardia

“Ode to Giardia”

By: Brian Wells

You float around there happily,
in fresh water, mountain lakes and streams.
Your gastric side-effects a cause
of many severed dreams.

Of campers and hikers alike,
you result in watery, foul-smelling diarrhea.
And they would be wrong to think,
it was because of a bad tortilla.

Your trophozoites and cysts in stool,
are a key diagnostic factor.
But they’re often suspected and checked for,
after a bloating and flatulent disaster.

With metronidazole and tinidazole,
I’ll know you’ve met your match.
From all my patients you’ll be banished,
no chance for an escape hatch.

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Ode to Memories

“Ode to Memories”

By: Brian Wells

I dreamed upon the mountains,
and laid in the forests to count the stars.
I sat by the campfire, watching, waiting,
and yet never found that which I sought.

I stood on the beach,
and let the waves roll in over my feet.
I saw the sand in its infinite granules,
and marveled at the rocks and shells
brought forth from the ocean.
Yet their marvel fell short.

I stared at the clouds
in their silken white forms,
and imagined seeing all of Earth’s creatures.
I saw shapes and lines,
and heroes of the past as my mind wandered
racing cloud to cloud.
But I still did not see that which mattered most.

I looked into my heart
and found the joy that so eluded me.
The memories and connections I hold dear.
The laughs and fun I treasure.
The wonder of possibility.

I looked into my heart
and I found

you.

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Medical fun with Gilbert and Sullivan

By: Brian Wells

I am the very model of a modern medico general,
I’ve information diagnosable, mucosal and gangrenal
I know the cells of squamous and I quote the tests explorable
from MRI to TSH in order categorical.

I’m very well aquainted too with matters metastatical
I understand blood tests, both the simple and coaguable
About fibrocystic disease, I’m teeming with a lot of news
with many cheerful facts about the cysts with the domes of blue.

with many cheerful facts about the cysts with the domes of blue.
with many cheerful facts about the cysts with the domes of blue.

with many cheerful facts about the cysts with the domes of domes of blue.

I’m well adept at listening and I often do asseverate
that I’ll screen for TB before it can disseminate
In short, in matters diagnosable, mucosal and gangrenal,
I am the very model of a modern medico general.

In short, in matters diagnosable, mucosal and gangrenal,
He is the very model of a modern medico general.

I can write out glycolysis on the wall of your dorm
and tell you every detail of albuterol’s isoform
With my stethoscope I can listen for whisper pectoriloquy
and then rattle off eponyms as if they were a symphony.

I can catalog white blood cells as if I were a PhD
and then check the abdomen for size, shape and symmetry
Scars and swelling too before I use the otoscope and tuning fork
and see if your hearing loss is real or just somatoform.

and see if your hearing loss is real or just somatoform.
and see if your hearing loss is real or just somatoform.
and see if your hearing loss is real or just somatomatoform.

Then I can write reports in structured history-taking form
and tell you every patient test that was well within the norm
In short, in matters diagnosable, mucosal and gangrenal,
I am the very model of a modern medico general.

In short, in matters diagnosable, mucosal and gangrenal,
He is the very model of a modern medico general.

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